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Have you ever walked down the street and some bloke looks you up and down, examining every item of clothing you’re wearing, then checks out your shoes? When did this become acceptable behaviour for men? You need to just back the hell away from the grooming products, hombre, and put your hands in the air. Now, before you dismiss me as a complete gronk, let me say I am a fashion savant as a teen I used to wear pink Penguin shirts with the collar turned up, an apricot cardigan, lemon canvas pants and light grey leather shoes all of which you’ll pay a motza for on Chapel or Oxford Street nowadays. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a fantastic thing that men are becoming more aware of fashion and basic hygiene but wearing your sister’s jeans is just going too far

On the other hand, there are blokes who are just so clueless about clobber you want to hug them and thank them because they make it so much easier for the rest of us to get a leg over.

So, because I love you, and don’t wanna any of me new Chinas to step out and stink up the place, here’s a few fashion flops I reckon you should avoid at all costs.

The faux hawk: Popularised by you know who. I hate what we’ve done to this haircut. I had a mohawk when I was 21 and it had repercussions. You look like a dill for a long time. People stare. Old ladies won’t get in lifts with you. You gotta stick glue and soap in your hair to make it stand upright. You can only date chicks with shaved heads. The faux hawk is the decaf, soy, latte of haircuts.

The 35 year old with a faux hawk: It’s over guys. You’ve had your chance for trendy haircuts, now LET IT GO.

The balding guy attempt at a faux hawk: Sweet baby Jesus, do I have to repeat myself?

New York Yankees baseball caps: Not only the most loathsome sporting franchise in the world, these hats are usually worn by tools with no comprehension they are advertising the sports equivalent of the swastika on their head. It’s also damn unoriginal. What about the Oakland A’s instead? They have a great GM, and snazzy strip. Or the Kansas City Royals? They’re losing so bad this year you might get a sympathy shag from an American tourist. I always get a kick out walking up to the Yankee Cap Wearer and asking them whether they’re enjoying Randy Johnson’s ERA this season.

Livestrong bracelets: Man, are these the leg warmers of 2005? Particularly enjoy when they’re on the wrists of criminals and male pornstars. Now there’s the endorsement Lance was looking for.

Ports: Not a pair of pants, not a pair of shorts. Not a chance for an empty.

Slides, sandals, clogs: Whatever you wanna call them. Anything on this page is a disaster.

Beanies in summer: The only way I’m prepared to let this through is if you live in a cave writing poems to your other six personalities. It’s the summer relative of..

Thongs with jeans in winter: Usually paired with a scarf. How can your neck be cold and not your feet?

Honourable mentions: Thumb rings, shirts which look like you’ve painted in them but paid $200 for, teeny tiny sneakers that resemble ballet slippers.

Do you have any fashion pet hates?

China: I’m embarrassed I have to explain this, but, for the hardheads, China is rhyming slang for China Plate it rhymes with mate. It means friend.

It has got to be the Shmullet. A combination of the faux hawk with a mullet. (Half shark fin half mullet, hence the name ‘shmullet’)

If the faux hawk is the decaf, soy,
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latte of haircuts. The shmullet is the the decaf, soy, latte served with a naked rent boy on Oxford street. (Not that there is anything wrong with that).

There’s also another one where the dude shaves the front of his head and the back is long, except, they gel it so it points upwards. The effect is your head looks like a comet, rocketing to earth. I acutally dig these. I dubbed them the ‘Mull up’ ‘cos I reckon whoever invented this hairstyle was very ripped at the time. Sam

I am so over blokes that dress like chicks (tight jeans , pink or yellow feminine shirt with Unisex haircuts). When you see these creatures from a long distance (more than 100m) and from the back, you think, she might be cute, then she turns out to be a he, and you start to question you sexuality, again!

Males should be very careful about showing any interest in fashion, because if the corporations pick up any vibe, next thing you know, no bloke can get attract a female or a root without carry a man bag and wearing mancara.

1) Socks with sandals I understand that when it is chilly outside we all dream of the warmth of the summer sun, but wearing socks with sandals doesn’t make the seasons change any faster. If you want to wear sandals this badly, move to a warmer climate.

2) Blaring designer labels This is a personal pet peeve of mine. I don’t want to be a walking advertisement and neither should you. It’s not a sophisticated look. Just because you are wearing a designer’s name on your chest, sleeve, or wherever, doesn’t make you stylish. Keep it understated and simple.

3) Shiny or glittery shirts or suits If you are looking for something to go out nightclubbing in, I can think of much better choices than those that are glittery, shiny and ultimately tacky.

4) Clothes that are too loose fitting In a word, sloppy. Unless you are a hip hop artist, it’s not the right look.

Another one I’ve seen on the tarts and jocks that stupid monkey the paul “wank” one. Biggest have ever! Poor from a design standpoint and lacking in style. Not in any way innovative. That stupid monkey is BOR ING! Just because he sometimes has an afro or something, doesn’t make it “cool”.

If you’re going to pay a whole bunch of money for a primary coloured t shirt at least make sure it is well made and has some kind of substance to the design.

You could put that monkey on a yellow legionnaires hat and people would still pay sixty bucks for it. One word WANKERS!

1) Screw the yankees and their stupid hats. they should all be burned in a giant group bonfire ceremony in hyde park. The Sox are a working man’s team.

2) teeny tiny sneakers look even more stupid on fat guys, really tall guys, really big boned or thick guys. those guys look like the hippos dancing around in ballet slippers in ‘Fantasia’.
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